C. G. Picture

Sharing a photograph my daughter took of me speaking to a friend in a crowd Saturday. I was happy to see old friends. She grabbed a moment where I am speaking and moving.

Writing from my Bird House

http://www.blogit.com/Blogs/Blog.aspx/the-loanlady3204/683442

I have ghostwritten three novels, and hid under the name the-loanlady as a personal blog for years.

Releasing something with my own name feels like I am mowing the lawn naked. I am ready. Being ready is everything I always say.

Before I feared retribution from my employer, or distain from those who only casually know me but I was protected under a baby blanket. If a critic called it garbage, the story was not all my own and I could run from worry having been paid per word. This time around I am writing with my own voice. I am running full speed next to the freeway sometimes without spell checking as it is broken on the desktop MAC. Will I have distainful nasty critics? Yes I believe so. Will some mad stalker send me emails, I hope not.

" Writing from my Bird House"  copyright Caroline Gerardo 2011

Opening our computer to be vulnerable and public when we sit in our home is modern experience. I am ready.

Touching the Past

I feel pain on my lips. The upper is not cracked or bleeding, the scar tissue is from the grief.

How long must I pull thorns from my fingers? Is there a measurement when I stop

missing you?

Did my father die yesterday or in the Devonian Period? In dreams, he is a young man foretelling me things.

I awaken. I write down a yellow stained notepad next to my bed. After little sleep in the morning I can’t read the language. The handwriting is poor from no glasses and clouded moonlight.

I started sleeping with the blinds wide open. This allows peeking reflections off the swimming pool or the surf. When I wake up at two and three and four I look over on your pillow and you are not there with your hands on your chest. I prefer my earlier magic trick of just going back to sleep and seeing you in my head wound.

Touching the Sky

Photograph: Touching the Sky

Caroline Gerardo ©copyright 2011

When I Fall In Love With a Character

"Tattoo Evil  Heart"

I am eighty percent complete of first draft of SETH, my next novel. It originally was a short story but now at 159000 words, I have some slashing to do on the next go around.

I started with this evil, psychopath who murders a young girl. Inspired by a true story close to me.

Seth is a lazy egocentric young man. I first wrote about him thinking back years ago when my house in Mount Washington was broken in to by the Night Stalker (I was not home at the time may he got in ....).  The story is about those around him who fail - who never listen- who don't step up. Then I wanted to get inside why a person would become so bad to the center. I find I have mad excuses for my imaginary guy and this too troubles me.

Camus

GHOST IMAGE © by CAROLINE GERARDO

Ghost Image

photograph © by Caroline Gerardo

© STRANGER CAMUS


Themes: absurdity blank empty lack feeling light dark black sleep death friendship sad religion existential absurdist


What Meursault does not do?


He is not sure if she died today or yesterday


Puts Mother in an old people’s home rather than traditionally taking care of her because he claims he cannot afford to care for her.


Borrows arm band and black tie


Sleeps on the way sleepy during and after


Goes to her funeral without much planning


Doesn’t care about crying woman or coughing he dozes


Wears inappropriate clothing


Sleeps in the vigil- supposed to be awake grieving


Does not kiss Mother Goodbye


Does not greet any of the mourners


Does not act kindly to her “boyfriend “Perez who is grieving and unable to keep up


Blood red earth spilling over Maman’s casket






Happy to go home


Goes swimming


Sexual desire for Marie in water – makes “love”


Bored after sex goes to see a comedy movie


Watches the street removed stranger to the world events below


Detachment- “nothing had changed”


Washing hands compulsion about towels


Salamano beats mangy dog


Raymond talks but M. does not care


Raymond bully to revenge Arab girlfriend- hurt her


Pals


Beats girlfriend wants to trap her as a prostitute for no reason


Has M write fake letter


Marie asks, “If I loved her. I told her it didn’t mean anything.” P35


Raymond beats Arab girl


M is hungry= so apathetic


Raymond wants to go to a brothel to relieve his tension after beating exgirlfriend


M gets drunk


Raymond asks him to write a letter to hurt her M says no but does it anyways


Then they are “pals”


Makes love with Marie but doesn’t love her just likes the sex


Raymond beats the Arab girlfriend and M does not want to call the police


Salamano’s dog runs away “bastard dog”


M hears Salamano crying through the door- thinks of Maman


Boss offers M a promotion job in Parsi – “all the same to me” “people never change their lives” p41


Boss says “I had no ambition”...” I learned very quickly none of it really mattered.”p41


Marie “asked me if I wanted to marry her. I said it didn’t make any difference to me and that we could is she wanted to.” P41


He has “no way I could know about that.” P 42 she asks does he love her


Dinner Celeste’s alone old woman sits with him at random- eats fast- writes bill- writes radio programs she will listen to for the week- “robot-like” life


Salamano – “get another dog” p44


Salman got dog after his wife died who S. was not happy with to fill the loneliness he got the dog that he beats “no cure for old age” p45- M acts bored yawning always tired


Handshake- scale- no connection p46


“Funeral face” p 47 she wears white


M lies to police as witness


Arabs following Raymond


Happy p 50


Heat sun ocean- passive “I wasn’t thinkib about anything, because I was half asleep from the sun beating down on my bare head.” P55


Arabs confront the Masson punches one and knocks him face down in the water- Raymond’s has a knife- cuts Raymond- the Arabs run- arm and mouth. Masson takes Raymond to DR. Raymond goes back to the hot beach to find the Arabs. “There was nothing but sun and silence,” p 55


“Take him on man to man and give me your gun” p57- drunk and hot


“To stay or to go, it amounted to the same thing.” P57 M does not want to climb the stairs


Arab lying down laughs


Heat – shoots the guy- then 4 more






Doesn’t care about an attorney


Magistrate asks him to plead to God for forgiveness he is passive Antichrist


Dark cell


Sees Marie as beautiful and fails to tell her


Killing time p 78- withdrawals to silly details


Newspaper about Czech man who surprises his mother and sister who beat him to death


Meaningless


Court uncaring they analyze his lack of caring as cold-blooded intentional murderer- premeditated murder


“Emptiness of a man’s heart…becomes an abyss threatening to swallow up society.” P101


During the trial for his life he daydreams about the ice-cream vendor


Refuses chaplain refuses God


“I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world” p122






Is he stoic or stone hearted?


In the end, he is conscious of the world from which he is apart