Grow

Grow My Son

Built strong house

Built raised beds

Built joyful life

But babies grow

go

Name Steve crows

at five months

 a teenager

Runty and persecuted

chick became a house pet.

Gradually re-introduced

to the flock, by night

black hoody ski mask

no children? 

lost dog or a cat?

heart like that?

 Husband barred me

from the door while 

baby cried 

read psyho babble

tough love book of 

bubbling spring sleep,

but pain's a watershed

Dialed 911 in days 

when people had home

phones, husband ripped

the cord from the wall

Stinking cry baby

escaped that man

Divorce doesn't end.

Name Steve is number 901

of miscarriages, children,

and adopted pets.

Morning free

range time and coffee. 

Call Name Steve to snuggle. 

He ignores.

Turns his back.

"Act like you don't know me lady,

 I'm deep under cover."

Yes, I recall, Pick me up from

school Mom, down the street

Pussy willows for sale

Goat sallow in spring

Plant echinacea 

under forsythia

golden health

Bloom my son 

find your joy

Miss you

Love Mom

Copyright Caroline Gerardo 2/5/2016 all photographs and poetry rights reserved

Joy Arises

Joy Arises

Recite rosary daily.
Sleep is not with me.
Opened memory boxes hidden in the garage.
Attempted to lighten my load of belongings.
I photographed their muddy artworks,
throwing out the dog eared originals. As I lingered
over my children's photos - pictures of ponies and
streamers in gold green and auburn revealing
- colors of time.
Boxes worn.
I cut down to two tattered boxes.
Label: "IMPORTANT FRAGILE"

Piles of trophies, sports jerseys and awards
posed for pictures. Filed them in icloud and
Google photo in case I lose sight of the images.
Thirty Yearbooks now in storage for
my kids homes of their own. When I peeked,
I couldn't recall the names signed with faces.
"Hey buddy you are great!!!" Love,Tanya.

High School reunion is marked on my calendar.
Hope to make it to my first one this year in July.
Will I match peoples names with their images?

A boy promised take me to prom then never showed up.
I know his name, not saying it, never hold in
your mind an unpleasant event.
Let it fly and begin again.

Happiness isn't dusty boxes or antique silver.

Letting go half the things I filled in my house.
Grateful.
A big gesture to
mark this change.
Downsize to a simple path.
Not juggling two jobs, writing at dawn, fighting
with tenants to do what's right.

A joy gift to mark my new life.
I placed an advertisement on #Freecycle with pictures of
my family room furniture. Freecycle is a website where
members post their requests or offer free items.
It Read:
All this for you. A single mom deserves these.
Borrow a truck or two and strong helpers.
Be prepared to accept everything.
Don't text me. Call to make arrangements.
Many texted, emailed and few called.
Each with their requirements.
"I can come next week, but I only want the
antique table." - I didn't answer.
"Will you deliver to me?" Nope.
"Is that a real Tufft table?" Yep.
The right call arrived. I gave them
my address. She asks, "what do you want in
return?"
"For you to be joyful."
They arrive with two funky trucks.
Grandmother's chairs, dining table, ikea
sofa with two new covers, mid century modern
coffee table, Tufft table not in great condition,
Regency writing desk, and linens flow from
my house to their vehicles.
The daughter jumps up and down.
Their excitement makes me giggle.

I am lighter. Ready for my new life.

“It is in the nature of things that joy 
arises in a person free from remorse.”
The Buddha (Cetana Sutta, Anguttara Nikaya)

Caroline Gerardo copyright c   May 3, 2016

Fog Lifts

Seed Catalogs pile on the coffee table. 

Not throwing them out with the clutter purge, yet.

By this time of year I clone roses, clematis vines, 

and hydrangeas. Winter is seeds purchasing time. Start them in sunny

kitchen windows, then move gradually to the "greenhouse." 

Greenhouse doesn't have heat. Normally in Coastal California nights

don't freeze. Last couple, however; harsh dry winds and 

cold threatens to burn tender projects. Mild freeze turns chartreuse new

sprouts to red. Frost makes the cells turn to mush as if desiccated

then liquidated. The tingling feeling in fingers when exposed

to snow too long. 

Since the plan is in pen to sell and move I haven't traded seeds on

heirloom seed swap and garden web seed exchange. 

In the garage sit paper bags full of smaller brown parcels of seeds. 

An idea came to mind to plant them in my Mother's 

and sister's gardens in hopes they bloom

and produce seed for 2017 

when I plan to be settled in a new home. 

I'm downsizing from a huge high maintenance castle. 

I plan to rent for six months to a year.

Find the ideal cottage with a small yard. 

Everywhere I lived I changed an ugly plat or acreage into a stain glass church of flowers.

Come over before the smell of paradise disappears.

Will I stay here? Perhaps renting is a change that frees time.

No longer will I be weekend warrior.

Scrubbing the pool tile, painting ceilings or repairing plumbing. 

Did I tell you about the six foot glass panel shattering over the

pansies Sunday? I'm still picking up bits. 

Save Honey (Golden Retriever) from harm with tangled contraptions.

Will this give me the desire to fly? 

After living in suburbia and owning a ranch to give my children a great

life start maybe I will move to New York or back to London or Mumbai?

My necklace clasp hits cross and hair entwines. 

It's a sign.

Morning fog lifts. 

Time to pray for all.

Cells below fingernails have minuscule shards of glass.

Becoming a part of my spirit

It's not like sand in eye scratching.

It's that missing feeling when I think of my son at college.

Or when someone mentioned Lacrosse on Facebook.

No more running to High School games to work the stats.

But it's in my heart.

Fog before hiking Yosemite 2016 Caroline Gerardo

morning Yosemite snow and fog Caroline Gerardo

Chain link fence and morning sun

Caroline Gerardo Copyright 2/6/2016 

Empty Nest Thoughts

Empty Nest

Grief in the plan.

Children's solo guardian: expect change.

But doesn't fit, jeans sizes small. 

Throw out expensive pair or work on body?

Dropped off my son to college four weeks ago.

I didn't cry.

Kept brave.

Days slip stolen by menopause and hackers.

Found lotto tickets never checked.

Liquor store guy says, "old- if you won they won't pay."

Book of Isaiah 65?

Don't offer food and wine to the gods...
bribery spoils luck

Fortunate to adore my children.

Guiltless give them everything.

Pack up worry ~ it weeds no garden.

Revisions on the next book finished.

Begin the next story.

Please Stop by, 

share abundance of zebra striped tomatoes.

I'll give you a bag. 

Pick the herbs you need.
Sage, basil and thyme in gemstone colors.

Just don't call me an empty nester.

Caroline Gerardo
poem October 2015

Nest in the woods

Sending your children off to fly on their own

The rail road path ahead in life

I have a photo of my two on this whale when they were toddlers. Here they are now 2015 in Santa Cruz California

Hike to the waterfall north of Big Sur

On the way  home from dropping off at college hike
Caroline Gerardo Empty Nest Poem
copyright 2015